I’ve been in the process of a nasty break-up with my old self. I have spent most of my life existing somewhere between sad and angry. Don’t get me wrong, I have been happy too. But my disposition has always been more of a “resting bitch face” if you know what I mean. Like I said, there has always been a silly, and somewhat giddy, generous, loving disposition right there alongside the bitch face. This part of who I am has busted her ass to take the wheel and lead the way.
See, along with depression and anxiety, I have been living with undiagnosed and untreated ADHD since childhood. Over the course of the past few years I have learned much about each of my conditions and I have worked hard to develop strategies to use so I can be successful at implementing changes in my daily life.
In my opinion, life is our time to figure it all out. It is our journey. We have to decide if it is
going to happen to us or if we are going to live it with intention. I am so over life happening to me. I am not a victim. I will not whine and complain or point the finger and blame others. Every day I wake up, I take five minutes to set my intentions. I thank God for my blessings and I remind myself, “it’s not you” that the sad, grumpy, judgemental person, is not who I am.
Really, I am a goofball who thrives on teaching, helping, and loving others, that’s me.
Of course these emotional ups and downs have taken a toll. I have missed out on friendships along the way that haunt me to this day, there are the captains of my high school cheering squad, the sweet bubbly blonde girl from NH in college, and the leader who worked alongside of me for 6 years at my school in Queens. All of these women were supposed to be members of my tribe. There was just a connection there, our souls understood each other. Sadly, my unpredictable depression and anxiety coupled with my ADHD brain, made making and keeping close friends very difficult.
For a long time I could not figure out how to break the cycle. And I guess that is why it has not been an easy break up at all. Thankfully, with a lot of personal development and guidance, I understand that certain things fuel my soul. Reading, writing, exercising, listening to music, teaching, and if I’m being honest, reality tv are my soul food. Yes, reality tv is part of my soul food.
Understanding my strengths and weaknesses and identifying what I need in order to feel satisfied has taken a lot of time. Through deepening my relationship with God I was able to figure out that I am in control of how I see this life. Regardless of the messages my distracted depressed and anxious mind sends me, I am in control. It was then that I knew…..
The breakup was inevitable. I was able to let go of anger. I was able to let go of sad. I was able to stop judging and just be me. So long resting bitch-face!
I can tell you, after battling depression and anxiety nearly my entire life, if I can find the magic, you can too. Just take time to get to know yourself and then break up with the pieces of you that no longer bring you joy. Identify what you need and what you want from this life.
What feeds your soul? How can you commit to making it a part of your daily life, no matter what?